“With my parents, she has always been very bossy. She tells them what doctors they should see, what medicines they should take, what TV programs are good for them. At first my parents allowed it because they thought it was love. And now… now my parents told me they are tired of her making decisions for them. That is why, when you proposed the arrangement, consulting them and respecting their opinion, they felt very relieved.”
“Michael, do you think Sarah can change?”
“I do not know, Mrs. Emily. Last night I told her she had to apologize to you sincerely. I explained that what she had done was very wrong.”
“And what did she respond?”
“That you were exaggerating, and that in the end everything had turned out well because my parents had a place to live.”
“Meaning she still does not understand.”
“No, Mrs. Emily. She does not understand.”
I stood processing the information. It was painful to hear that the problem with Sarah was deeper than I had thought.
“Michael, what do you plan to do?”
“Mrs. Emily, I return in a year and a half. When I return, my parents are going to come live with me. But meanwhile, if you are willing to continue helping them, I will send you money every month to cover expenses.”
“It is not necessary, Michael. The arrangement I have with them is working well.”
“I insist, Mrs. Emily. It is the least I can do after all this trouble.”
“And what does Sarah think of that?”
“Sarah is going to have to learn to live with the consequences of her decisions.”
After hanging up with Michael, I stayed thinking for a long time. It was clear Sarah had a serious problem with control and respect toward others. But it was also clear that I had been part of the problem by allowing that behavior for years.
I decided to go walk to the square to clear my mind. David was on his usual bench feeding pigeons.
“Good morning, Mrs. Emily. How did you wake up?”
“With many things on my mind.”
“Want to tell me?”
I told him about the conversation with Michael. David listened attentively while the pigeons pecked around our feet.
“Do you know what hurts me the most, David?”
“What?”
“Realizing that I allowed Sarah to develop this behavior. Every time she made decisions for me and I said nothing, I was teaching her it was okay to do so.”
“Mrs. Emily, you cannot blame yourself for wanting to avoid conflict with your daughter.”
“But by avoiding small conflicts, I allowed a much bigger conflict to be created.”
“That is true, but it is also true that it is never too late to change the dynamic.”
“But what happens if Sarah does not want to change?”
David looked at me with those wise eyes that were already familiar to me.
“Then you will have to decide what kind of relationship you want to have with someone who does not respect you.”
His words were hard, but necessary.
“David, do you think I am a bad mother for setting boundaries so late?”
“Mrs. Emily, a bad mother is one who never sets boundaries. A good mother is one who sets them when she realizes they are necessary, regardless of the age of her children.”
That afternoon, I decided to do something I hadn’t done in years: go shopping for myself. Not practical or necessary clothes, but something I liked simply because I liked it.
I entered a clothing store I had always looked at from outside but never visited. A young saleswoman approached.
“Can I help you with anything?”
“I’m looking for something different. Something that makes me feel good about myself.”
“What colors do you like?”
I stood thinking. It had been so long that I only bought clothes in black, gray, or brown because it was practical.
“I like green and gold.”
“Perfect. I have some things I think you are going to love.”
I tried on several dresses and blouses. It was strange seeing myself in the mirror with vibrant colors after so many years of dull tones.
“That emerald green dress looks beautiful on you,” said the saleswoman. “Do you have a special event?”
“No. I just want to feel good.”
